And the poop continues…

I feel compelled to put out some instructions for any of you out there who are battling your own baby poop issues.  Or who just want to laugh at me as I battle mine.

Situation:

Your diapered child poops through her pants (more like explodes) while you are trying to eat for the umpteenth time (seriously – is there some sort of mental trigger that releases the sphincter everytime I try to put something tasty in my mouth?  And if so, would it be possible for me get a bite or two in first?). 

Your response:

Until now, your response has been to immediately remove the child from her chair (being careful not to let her press up against you – learned THAT one quick) and lay her on the changing pad in her room.  You may possibly have even thought to put down a lap pad in an attempt to contain the mess.  Good thinkin’!  Strip her down while keeping her hands and feet OUT of the mess (much harder than it sounds).  Wipe her up as best as you can, pile soiled clothing in a small heap (for later*) and carry her into the bathroom for a bath.  Allow child to stand next to bath as you run it, then place her in, wash, dry, re-dress, hopefully in something DARK, probably pajamas.

Your NEW, ‘I’m totally gonna avoid half the mess’ strategy:

Immediately remove child from her chair, holding her like the dad in ‘Mr. Mom’, and carry her to the bathroom.  Allow child to stand next to bath as you run it.  Begin to strip child down and wipe with wipes as you go.  Hear a “splat” sound that can’t be good.  Oh, ick.  The poop is actually splattering out of the diaper onto the floor.  You can’t lay your child down on a cold tile floor, so you just have to work faster.  Remove diaper, and wipe, wipe wipe.  Wipe, wipe.  Wipe.  Wipe up splats of poop on floor before child can step in them.  Oh no, there is poop all over her foot and between her toes.  Wipe, wipe, wipe.  Finish removing jammies and place to the side in a small heap (for later*).  Double check that you got all of the actual poop off of child before placing in tub – wash, dry, re-dress, hopefully in something dark, probably pajamas. 

For later:

Wash out poopy clothing, being sure to check yours because yes, that lingering poop smell is coming from the front of your shirt, or possibly your sleeve.  And if you did the NEW technique, you’ll need to be sure to get all of the poop out of the TOE OF YOUR CHILD’S FOOTIE JAMMIES because, yes, that is how she got poop all over her foot.  Gravity is SO mean like that, you should have laid her on her back instead of letting her STAND NEXT TO THE TUB.

And be quick, the next show starts… well, the next time you’re hungry!