I have been pumping breast milk for over 400 consecutive days. There were some days where I also nursed Blythe, especially in the beginning when she was willing to be still and quiet. But for the most part, the pump has been my best friend (and occasional worst enemy). After all that time, I expected to feel liberated when it came time to quit.
On our date last night, I was free to order whatever I wanted on the menu. I even had the strawberry margarita I’ve been dreaming about for months. The pump wasn’t the third wheel in the car as we drove around, and I went straight to sleep last night, instead of sitting up for an extra 45 minutes.
I should be celebrating, right? Instead, the food made me sick and my boobs hurt. I’m looking at my pump with longing, and tears keep trickling down my face. I can’t count the number of times I’ve asked Jeremy if I’m doing the right thing. Finally, he looked at me and said, “What ever you decide is the right decision, so do what feels right.”
So I pumped, ~ and by the way, relief is spelled M-E-D-E-L-A ~ I stopped randomly crying and the world felt calm again. That feels right. Margaritas are so over-rated, anyway.
You know what I’ve realized? For weeks now, resentment of all the work I put into breast feeding has been building up. Most of all, I’ve felt robbed of precious time. But I kept at it, because I had to. I’ve found that when I have to do something, I resist. What I now know is that I want to do this. I’m not ready to quit, but whenever I am ready, I’m glad I have given myself permission to do so.
In addition, I just want to say a big fat thank you for all the support I’ve received. It’s awesome to know I’m not alone!
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3 replies on “Because I WANT to”
You will TOTALLY know when you are ready. I had to wean myself off of breastfeeding. I gave myself permission to stop at a year and really stopped somewhere at 14 months.
As a side note….is it weird that now that she is 22 months I still have milk come out when I squeeze?
That sounds like a beautiful reason to keep going to me. I nursed my first baby to a year and called a halt at 10 months with my second. I had a tough time. I felt guilty for not giving them the same amount of time. We are way to hard on our mother selves!
I am currently weaning my 19 month old. I’ve been nursing or pregnant for about 5 years now and my body is ready to be done.
You’ll know when the time is right. Seems like you’ve done a wonderful job!