I was watching my new favorite show, Swingtown, this past week, (Hey – don’t judge. It sucked me in like a train wreck and turned out to be quite thought-provoking) and was struck by Susan’s struggle to find, and express, her authentic self. As women who have dedicated their lives to their families, how easy is it for us (her and I) to lose sight of the person we were, the person we always thought we would become? And can the authentic self co-exist with the person our families and society expect us, need us to be?
I sometimes struggle to define my identity. I am a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister, a friend. The common thread among those terms is that they identify who I am in regard to someone else. Who am I when I stand alone, without being reflected by another person’s image? When I need to present an image of my authentic self, as Susan on Swingtown was trying to do by picking a wallpaper pattern, I don’t know where to begin.
So often we are defined by what we do for a living. It’s one of the first questions I hear, anytime I’m introduced to someone new. It makes me cringe, because even if it’s a woman who says she wishes she could be “just” a stay at home mom, too, the conversation usually centers around children… and that’s it. As if I am incapable of discussing anything besides poop and snot. These days, I can say I work at home, as well, and I’m given a pat on the back for “helping” my husband with his business. By being his “secretary”. Am I the only person who finds that word offensive?
I remember when Jeremy and I first started dating and he would introduce me to his friends. He was so proud that they all thought I was an intelligent, articulate woman they could enjoy having a conversation with. These days, when we bump into people we used to know, they can give me a once-over and immediately decide that “How are the kids?” is a safe question to ask. When did I become that person? As soon as my first child was born, or when I decided that caring for my children would become my profession?
Maybe my true self is a compilation of all the reflections I cast upon others, as I leave my mark on their lives.
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5 replies on “Not Just a Mommy”
a few comments come 2 mind but since i wasnt asked i shall digress
Dude. I’m totally asking, so comment away.
It’s a tough issue. This post made me think of something I’ve made an effort to change. For a long time, when people would ask me that ‘what do you do, do you just stay at home with your kids’ question, I would say yes and then feel compelled to add ‘I used to practice law’ or something similar. It wasn’t that I felt badly about staying home with my kids, it was that I worked hard for that degree and I hated the connotation of the question. Now, I just say yes because neither of those things is who I really am. I’ve realized that we are all a lot more complicated than one word job titles.
It’s so interesting to me that when my husband and I met, and until very recently, he was so into the corporate-independent-self-sufficient- girl. Now that we have a year old daughter, he would prefer me to stay at home. I am still working, because we need my income for financial reasons, but it’s been so intriguing to me how his opinion has changed.
I am so proud to be a SAHM. This is my dream job and although there are people (my FIL) who think I don’t work….I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
I always seem to get the ‘do you work’ question so I had a shirt made that says:
i AM at Work!