Dear Heather,
I just re-read the email I sent you earlier, and it made my face burn with shame. I didn’t say anything I set out to say. As I read, all I could see were the excuses I made for my postpartum depression. The things that made it “acceptable”. And while all of the things I wrote are true, they are not what you need to hear. Reading that made me realize that I am still so afraid of my depression, and of what I fear it says about me as a mother.
Rather than tell you the logistics of my situation, I wanted to tell you how I felt. About my fears and anxiety. I wanted you to not just see my words, but say to yourself as you read, “I am not alone”. Because you aren’t.
Even though I felt alone every hour of the day as I went through PPD, in truth there were many people around me who knew I wasn’t myself. They seemed so far away, though, as if I were on the other side of a deep chasm.
I felt so ungrateful. I had just knocked on death’s door and lived to tell about it, yet there was no happiness, no joy. People would say, “You are so blessed!” and I would nod my head emphatically, because I knew it was true. But I didn’t feel blessed. I felt burdened.
More than anything, I was afraid. Horrible thoughts went through my head. At times I felt resentful of other people’s happiness. My own sweet baby that I tried so hard to have, irritated me when she needed to be cared for. I went through the motions, meeting her needs, but my heart wasn’t in it.
Every day, I felt helpless. Every task overwhelmed me. I read books as often as I could, because they allowed me to escape my mind, if only for a little while. My family and friends would ask me if I was OK, and I always said things new mothers say – I’m just tired, I’m so in love with the baby, Life is Good. I put on a mask and pretended my way through my life.
I was terrified of what they would think of me if they knew what kind of darkness reached way down deep into my very soul. I fantasized about leaving, because I thought my family would be better off without me. Because I felt incapable of being a good mother, a good wife. I felt like I was failing at every part of my life, with no end in sight.
But the end came, Heather. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. You have to search for it, ask directions. There’s no sense wandering around in the dark when people are there, just beyond the bend, and all you have to do is reach out to them. They are there to catch you, to build you a bridge across the chasm, to show you the way.
I am so proud of you for reaching.
I pray you clap your hands, right along with Maddie and Mike, and mean it with all your heart.
Be Well,
Andrea
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11 replies on “Raw and Unfiltered”
Beautifully said. There’s no shame in reaching out to others, or in struggling through depression. Love to you. It’s hard to speak up.
How incredibly brave of you to share you story. This is why I love blogging so much. You never know what story is lurking just behind the facade.
My pediatrician noticed my slow decline as I brought my twins in for their regular check ups. She told me to see my OB and called her to make sure I had shown up. She saved me from sinking even deeper. It was killing to keep up the facade of “I am so happy and so grateful for my little girls and dammit I am a good mother.”
Just wanted to applaud you for sharing your story as well. I am not sure I’m ready to blog about mine on my own blog yet. Maybe soon.
Your story is so tender, yet strong at the same time. I applaud and admire anyone who is willing to share their struggles despite any stigmas because so many people out there need to hear that somebody else understands them. Bravo!
that was brave of you to share…with heather and with us. thanks for being open so that others who might be going through the same thing know they aren’t alone.
I think it is so great that all of you mothers (and some non-mothers too) and sharing your experiences with PPD and depression. This is one of the great things about the internet…it helps everyone see they are not so alone. Thanks for sharing, Andrea!
Thank you all SO much. It was very, very hard for me to write this post, but afterward I felt like a huge weight had been lifted. I didn’t realize how much of it I was still carrying around.
It’s also the first time I’ve completely bared my soul on the internet. SCARY!
All I can say is I absolutely identify with this. Kudos for you for sharing. We have this expectation that when we have children it’s all going to be wonderful and we’re going to be SO in love. The reality for many of us is that despite KNOWING we’re blessed, we feel like our children are sucking the life out of us.
Oh Andrea!! First of all, I thought your email was really, really great. Secondly, I can’t tell you how moved I am that you wrote this not only to me, but to everyone. Seeing that other women have gone or are going through this I feel so much more comforted and capable of getting through this.
You are amazing. THANK YOU.
Oh, You guys are KILLING me this week! I’m going to have to drive to LA to hug Heather and THEN head up 5 to so I can hug you too. You’re all so brave and awesome, I can’t even stand it.
Miss you!
Meg
It’s so nice to hear encouraging words – thank you, each of you, for saying them.
Especially to Heather – I’m so happy to hear from you! Thank you for unintentionally getting me to put this out there. I thought I was over it, but there it was, bubbling below the surface.
Thanks again, y’all, you’re awesome!
I could almost have written this post. I’m kind of at a loss right now, but yeah, a lot of what you said is me too.