An Open Letter to Blue Shield

Dear Blue Shield Underwriters,

First of all, let me say you should be grateful that I went to visit a friend before writing this letter.  The one I drafted while in the shower this morning called you assholes instead of underwriters.  Funny how a few laughs will change your attitude.

So, obviously, I received your letter.  The one telling me that after all those personal questions you asked me on a daily basis (for weeks, no, months) finally helped you make a decision on my request to have a lower rating for my health insurance.  The one where you told me that, instead of lowering my rating, you were actually raising it.  Because, apparently, I’m even more of a health risk than you originally realized. 

I mean, that mole I had removed, several years ago, because it was under my bra strap and irritated me?  In retrospect, I really shouldn’t have had my doctor take that off.  I can see why it’s too risky for you, because maybe I really had skin cancer but my doctor and I are covering our tracks with that whole ONE VISIT it took.  Next time, I’ll ask our veterinarian to lob off any annoying moles.  Or better yet, my husband has a pocket knife that would work perfectly.

And thank you for pointing out that I have a bicornuate uterus.  WOW!  I really hadn’t realized.  I thought that whenever my doctor or midwife talked to me about it, they were really talking about someone else.  Bicornuate, who?

What do you mean, it doesn’t matter that I’m not requesting maternity coverage?  Even though we supplied you with letters from doctors and negative sperm count reports, you apparently think that I’m going to go ahead and get pregnant (I’m sure I can find some sperm, somewhere), pay for my high-risk pregnancy out of pocket (with all the cash I’ll have left in my account after paying you over $600 per month in health insurance), give birth to my baby (if the baby makes it to term) and then go ahead and hemorrhage.  Just so I can laugh that evil “mwah ha ha ha” laugh I’ve been practicing, when Blue Shield gets stuck with THAT bill.  Yes, that was my plan.  Thank goodness you caught on to my little scheme.  It really could have cost ya!

Oh, right, and that cosmetic surgery I had done eight years ago.  Were you worried that suddenly Blue Shield would start covering cosmetic surgery and I was going to go nuts and get a new and improved rear end on your dime?  Obviously I’m just so frivolous about my body, getting that surgery done back when I was 22 and not having anything done since.  Yikes, talk about plastic!  Oh and by the way, maybe it might help if you asked why I had it done.  Just to gain a little perspective.

I find it interesting that not once has anyone requested that I take a physical, or asked questions about my weight, diet, exercise regimen, hygiene, dental habits, or about anything else that might give a clue about my actual health and well-being.  Instead, it’s all about things that really don’t pose a risk to Blue Shield at all.

Here’s a letter I would have respected:

Dear Andrea,

We really don’t want to insure you.  Instead of causing you discomfort by digging into your medical history repeatedly, and asking you to supply us with documents that are decades old (man, who knew you actually kept that stuff around, and in a place where you could find it so quickly?) we should have just let you know.  You are welcome to fork over a thousand dollars a month for us to insure your family, or you can just go with another option.  Sorry for wasting months of your time. 

Oh, and sorry we’re still having our staff call you and email you every day for more information!  We forgot to let them know we’d already come to a decision.

Sincerely,
Blue Shield

But hey, Blue Shield Underwriters?   We’re small business owners, and I just finished filling out the paperwork for group coverage.  You’re going to cover me after all, and for a quarter of the cost! 

Who’s laughing now, bitches?  Mwah ha ha ha.

Best,

Andrea

p.s. If you think I’m going to see the doctor over every little sniffle and make you pay for it, you’re damn right.  I’ve got nothing to lose.