I hope all of you are enjoying the guest posts as much as I am! It’s almost worth sitting on this jury. Almost. One of the nicest bloggers around is filling in for me today. Kari, of I Left My Heart at Preschool confesses her feelings on a pretty hot topic: SAHM Envy. I’d love to hear your thoughts, and even better: tell us what makes you envious.
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SAHM Envy
When Andrea asked me to guest post, I thought it would be a great opportunity to blog about something that I have wanted to write about on my blog. The reason I’ve hesitate to post this, is because some of my co-workers read my blog – and this is just not something that I want to share with them. I’m proud of my blog and I enjoy knowing people read it, but the fact that my audience includes friends, family and co-workers, sometimes limits my ability to write completely freely. So thanks Andrea!
I have two girls who are 3 and 5 years old, and I work full time at a financial firm that is located about an hour away from our house. Honestly, before I had kids, I never really considered the question of whether or not I wanted to continue working after having kids. It was always seemed like a given in my mind. Maybe it’s because of the fact that, from a very young age my Mom stressed to my sister and me, the importance of getting a college degree and having a career. Although my Mom stayed home with us when we were babies, she worked after we started school. She had a degree and a career in nursing. Which was a very good thing, because after our Dad died of cancer when I was eleven years old, my Mom was able to get a better job that allowed us to live in a nice house in a nice neighborhood.
By the time my husband and I were ready to start a family, we owned our own home in a part of the San Francisco Bay Area that we love – but we were in no way set up to live as a one-income family. So, staying home or going back to work was not a decision I had to make. Choosing the right child care definitely was. After my first experience sending my baby to child care, I quickly learned that having just the right care situation for my baby, made a huge difference in my ability to focus at all at work. After a couple false starts, I thankfully found a wonderful, small, in-home care that I love. I sometimes feel like they get more out of being there, than if they were home with me all day long.
Sometimes.
Other times, I really wish I was home with my kids instead of working. Maybe if I had a job that I truly loved, I might not feel that pull to be home quite as much. I’ve worked for my firm for fifteen years, but believe it or not – I sort of fell into that career. It wasn’t at all what I aspired to do when I was in college. The best parts about my job are the people that I work with, the independence, and the paycheck. The work itself? Eh. I could take it or leave it. And often, I wish I could leave it.
When my husband travels for his job, it’s quite the juggling act. Taking both kids to two different schools, then driving back and forth to the City for work, then home to make dinner, clean everything, pick up the house, get the kids bathed and ready for bed, make lunches for the next day and usually work some more after the kids go to bed. But oh, how I love being able to actually bring them in to their classrooms in the morning and see what the teachers have planned for the day. How I love to pick them up at the end of the day, and hear all about what Scott the Storyteller read to them or what artwork they created, at the peak of their excitement. Normally, by the time I get home, they are already settled in at home and ready for dinner. When I ask what they did for the day at the dinner table, the answer is usually “nothin’”.
Every now and then, I get to take a day off during the week, when we’re not going on any little trips or running around anywhere. I pack some snacks and take my kids to the Zoo or the Discovery Museum or maybe just to a park. I see other Moms or groups of Moms with their kids, and I think about how lucky they are to be able to spend this kind of time with their kids every day. Don’t get me wrong, I am not under any kind of false impression that staying home is “easier” than working. Both are work, and I believe that staying home with my kids would actually be a much harder job, emotionally and physically.
Here’s the thing. I would love that job so much more than the work I actually get paid for. I love grocery shopping, and attempting to find the best prices. I love planning meals and feeding my family. I love organizing my kid’s clothes, shoes and toys. I love thinking of fun crafts and activities I can do with my kids. I love creating a warm and lovely home for us to live in. In my heart, it’s a job I adore. I just wish that my other job didn’t get in the way so often.
A happy medium would be if I could reduce my hours at work, and be able to spend more time at the job I really love. I was really close to being able to do just that. Right before the economy went to crap and we couldn’t afford to reduce my paycheck. I still have hope though. Once Seesa goes to Kindergarten next year, and Milly moves full time to the Preschool in our neighborhood, which is less expensive than the in-home care she’s going to now; we may be able to find a way to afford for me to reduce my hours.
In the meantime, I’ll keep cherishing the time I do have with my girls. Even though it means that I often skip out on “Mommy Time” opportunities on the weekends, because it means time away from my girls. Even though I can’t accept volunteer opportunities that I’d like to get involved in because it cuts into my kid time. Even though I can’t write in my blog or read other’s blogs as often as I’d like.
The trade off is something that I wouldn’t give up for the world.
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10 replies on “SAHM Envy”
You know Kari, I think about this a lot. All us SAHMs and WAHMs moan and groan about how busy we are and try to prove to the world that we are important even though we are not donning a suit and heels each morning. We don’t realize how lucky we are to be able to stay home and be with our children and set our own schedules.
I actually don’t believe that staying home is as difficult as working outside the home. There has been such a campaign by at home Moms (and rightly so) to prove that our jobs are just as important, that working Moms get forgotten in all this. I know enough working moms to know that all those household tasks we get to do during the day still have to get done sometime – like in the evening and on weekends. And that’s even without thinking about a commute. So: credit where it’s due.
Do I ever know where you’re coming from…
I teach full time. So basically, I spend my days with other people’s children instead of my own. I adore their sitter, but the bottom line is she’s not me.
In some ways, I’m fortunate. I get very long breaks at home with my kids. But I also think that makes the situation more painful. I know the joy of staying home with them. I also know the agony of having to see their tears as three times a year I tell them “Mommy has to go back to work today.”
It’s a choice my husband and I consciously made. I never thought I’d want to stay at home as much as I do. But it was our choice, and I need to live with it. It’s just hard to accept sometimes.
I relate to SO much of this. And it was so beautifully written.
I would love to say more – but I have to get back to my boring job…I have a meeting. Sigh.
This is such a summation of my life and job and feelings and…. A few months ago my husband left his job and is currently a SAHD to our two little girls, and I envy him in shades of green never seen in the natural world. But I have the solid paycheck, the insurance, the carpool, and the job that is “just work” and I would leave in a heartbeat if I could stay home with my daughters and spend my days “creating a warm and lovely home for us”. I get grief from friends and family for not taking more time for myself, but you expressed it perfectly: my time with my children is something I wouldn’t give up for the world. Thanks for letting me know I’m not alone.
Thank YOU for letting ME know that I’m not alone! Hang in there. We are both doing what is best for our families, and making time with our kids a priority.
While it’s not a choice I’ve ever had to make, I can see where it’s a terribly difficult one, especially living in the Bay Area with you.
I think you have a really balanced and sensible approach to it and I hope you’ll be able to reduce your hours and get to make that balance even more fulfilling. 🙂
Beautifully expressed, Kari. I’m a full time stay at home mom and I do love it and I do feel lucky that we can do it. There’s many things I miss in the work world, but I’m pretty happy. I will say though, that I lose that glorious perspective that you have. I spend a lot of time with my children and yet sometimes weeks pass and we haven’t done anything ‘special’ with them or cherished the time. I’ve just gotten through it. Sometimes, I need the reminder of just how precious all that time is, because truly anything can feel like a burden if you let it.
I’ve been thinking about writing a blog about semi-envy about being single, 39 and husband/childless but I haven’t brought myself to do it yet – probably because my feelings are difficult to put into words. One thing I do know is that I wouldn’t want to work full-time, because like you, I would enjoy being there for all the school/park/activity stuff. Plus, I don’t have the energy to multi-task like that. I would go insane doing both.
Oh Kari, I so feel for you. Your post brought me to tears. I hope your situation does change next year, and you are able to reduce your hours – but either way, it’s so great that you have put your kiddos first, and if I were to never see another comment from you on my blog, I would totally understand!
I don’t know if I’m in the minority here, but I’m a SAHM, and I consider myself unbelievably lucky and blessed to be able to do so – I hate to actually mention it because I feel a little guilty – I hate it that I have friends who want to be in my position, but can’t…even though I even never considered it to be an option, until after our daughter was born last year, and we had an unexpected change in our financial circumstances that allowed me to stay home.
I’m still paying off my grad school loan, and left a job I truly loved, but I know I’m doing the right thing for my family…and I hope you get to reduce your hours next year and spend more time with your kids. Big hug!
I understand your feelings. I was a workaholic that just could not go back to work after my first child was born. I believe that working part-time from home once the children are a little older, or if you have really easy babies, is really the ideal.
I hope you can realize your dream or at least some version of it. Maintain your skills to some degree, even if doing volunteer work.
Sometimes I second-guess my own decision, especially now when my husband’s job will be over at the end of June. But, truthfully, had I known that my ten years at home pretty much exclusively as a SAHM would end at year 10, I wouldn’t have worked one extra day – even for a financial safety net to have now.
I’d still make the same decision.
Maybe that sounds crazy but I already helped to raise my younger siblings and have already gone through watching your children grow old and not have the time with them.