Dear People at the Courthouse,
I’m not sure exactly why you’re here. Maybe you got a traffic ticket, or perhaps you’re in the middle of a bitter custody battle with your asshole of an ex. Could be, you got caught doing something you shouldn’t have. Regardless, here you are, hanging around the halls of the courthouse while I happen to be on Jury Duty.
Some of you will dress up for your day in court. You’ll don a suit and tie, maybe throw on a pair of heels. The deputies will nod pleasantly at you as you walk past. But the majority of you? Apparently have never heard of making a good impression.
Showing up reeking of cigarette smoke, looking like you haven’t had a shower since Bush was in the White House (and I’m talking George H., not Dubya), does not make the court sympathetic to your cause. And I’m painfully aware that we live in the Second Meth Capital of California, but do you really have to make it so obvious?
No doubt you’ve noticed the sign on the wall that says, “No shorts or tank tops in the courtroom”, but seriously. That doesn’t mean you should wear SpongeBob pajama pants to stand in front of a judge and plead your case. Now is not the time to showcase your tattoo sleeve, either. Cover it up, just for today, m’kay? You can go back to being shirtless (and shoeless, I suppose) the moment you walk out the front door, I promise.
Also? I spend about 8 hours a day in the courthouse. I know that sometimes, shit happens. Especially if you’re like me and have been trying to consume more fiber and drink lots of water. But dropping a bomb in the stall and then walking away from it, without flushing? That is just wrong on so many levels.
So, take my advice and try to step up your game, just for today. I’ll even give you a cheat sheet to keep in your pocket:
– No stink of any kind
– Real pants
– Shoes without holes
– Cover your tats
– Leave your pocketknife at home (no, they won’t believe you forgot)
– Try not to act like a tweaker
I expect to see some improvement next week!
xoxo,
Andrea
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12 replies on “Things I’ve Learned From Hanging Around the Courthouse”
For a moment I panicked. I haven’t showered since Bush Jr was in the Whitehouse…
There really are two different America’s, aren’t there? One that pairs a suit and tie with heels, and one that thinks Sponge Bob Squarepants pajama bottoms are a perfect compliment to a full sleeve tat.
This is hilarious!!!
I am fighting a traffic ticket, so I’ve recently had to make a few trips to the courthouse – to sign up for the arraignment, to go to the arraignment and eventually to go to the actual trial.
I can not believe the way people dress and act, when they are trying to convince a judge to be on their side. You have got to be kidding me people! But, maybe that is one of the reasons that they are there in the first place… Oops, I guess that includes me, the hardened criminal, fighting my ticket – I was framed, man!
Dooooood, in your cheat sheet you left out FLUSH YOUR FECKING BOMBS. Just thought you might want to edit that one in. 😉
Sponge Bob? For reals?
This totally makes me want to have jury duty! I feel sheltered to the true look of America.
I hope I’m not getting summoned for jury duty (doody, bwahahaha!) any time soon.
The refusing to flush thing, is the most disgusting….oh God, I can’t stand these people.
You must have seen some of my family members… that’s unfortunate! I had jury duty once. It was only one day–this big loser with a bag of guns in a mall–he plead guilty, decided to represent himself, and then refused to say anything. The best part is the way-over-the-top-serious jurors when you get to the deliberation stage–prepare yourself!
You poor thing. And yeah, it’s amazing what people wear into court. Working with judges, I get to go over to the courthouse on occasion, and you can never tell what you’ll see there.
Quite an adventure down at the courthouse. Hang in there! It’s a nice try, but I’m going to guess most of these people are pretty set in their ways.
If I didn’t know that I live in THE meth capital of California I’d totally think you were talking about my town. Have spent a lot of time at the courthouse thanks to joint custody and always leave feeling a little less sure of our future than I did going in.
I work often in the courthouse and your list of rules should also apply in Oklahoma. Perhaps we can print them up on nice paper and laminate them and send them to people with their traffic tickets and to their attorneys and stuff. Cause ewww…..