The One Where My Lady Bits Were Man-Handled by a Former Marine, Which Left Me Feeling Like I’d Given Birth to a Full-Grown Linebacker in Uniform, Including a Helmet Made of Porcupine Quills

So, last Thursday I saw the specialist about my messed up lady bits.

He did a pelvic exam, and prefaced it with a warning that it might be *slightly uncomfortable* because he wanted to thoroughly examine my ovaries and uterus.

Let me tell you something.

I gave birth, naturally, without so much as tylenol in my blood stream – twice.  My husband will tell you, I lost my wimp status for good because I never made a damn sound – I had it handled. 

I have a high tolerance for pain.  I have video to prove it.

But that exam?  That was painful.  Lift my hips up off the exam table, dig my nails into my palm, grit my teeth until they feel like they will snap in half, kind if painful.

I can’t wear under.wear.  I can barely wear pants, and even when I do, they are of the yoga or pajama variety.  I’m nauseous and uncomfortable.  My shit hurts, and it is an all-encompassing, overall ache of my lady bits punctuated by the stinging hot pain of a torn perineum.

Thank gah for my friend Kim, who introduced me to Hospital Strength Dermoplast Pain Relieving Spray, which, along with a steady stream of motrin, has kept me from being completely miserable for the next week, when my linebacker baby will hopefully be going off to college, and good riddance.

I know I’m complaining about it now, but I know that exam was necessary – and important.  I’m glad my doc was so thorough.  But it’s my blog and I’ll cry if I want to.

Despite putting me through freaking hell, this former-marine OB/GYN specialist really knows his stuff, and is handling my case in exactly the way I need.  In his professional opinion, the masses on my ovary and uterus (did I mention the ER overlooked a few?  Which is exactly why we need to be our own advocates, people – everyone makes mistakes, even doctors) do not look like cancer.

*Whew*

However, he is going to treat them as though they could be.

*Whew* again.

Currently?

We are awaiting lab results for some preliminary tests that can be an indicator of the presence cancerous tumors, but that aren’t entirely definitive.

We are waiting for a copy of the genetic screening report that was run by the fertility clinic back in 2002 when I was an ovum donor.

When it arrives, I will go see a geneticist who will take a look at the report and determine if any other, more recently discovered genetic tests can be run.  Hopefully, with all this genetics screening, we will know a lot more about whether or not these masses are cancerous – or may become so, in the future.

We are waiting for me to start a new cycle, joy of joys, and then I will go in for an ultrasound to see what, if anything, has changed.

And then… well, then we decide what happens next.  Biopsy?  Partial lady-bit removal?  Total?  Time will tell. 

I’ve pretty much decided that if any surgical procedures need to be done, I will go to the Mayo Clinic.  They really know what they’re doing, and have the latest technology and clinical trials – and they accept my insurance.

That, my friends, is what you might call a win-win situation. 

*Oh, and?  I can’t tell you how much everyone’s support means to me.  I can’t, really – because once you’ve seen an ugly cry like that you’ll never be the same, and I’m going to try and spare you.  For now, anyway.*