Here

Last night, I lost it with my kids.

It was past bedtime, way past, and yet no one was sleeping.  The routines we had set up from the time they were wee little babies, the ones that worked so well and gave me evenings to myself, got lost somewhere. 

Somewhere between the illnesses and the long work hours, the routine morphed into something unrecognizable.  And they push, push, push until it is something more like child wrangling than a bedtime routine.

I screamed at them.  I cried.  I told them that I just could not listen to another whine word out of their mouths.  I called them ungrateful and asked them how they had turned into children I didn’t recognize.

They got quiet.  

And I wondered how the hell we got Here.  To this moment in time when I’m yelling at my children instead of trying to find a solution that fixes the problem. 

I wondered how I had turned into a parent I didn’t recognize. 

My husband came home after yet another 14 hour work day, and walked right into the hornet’s nest that was me having a grown-up temper tantrum.  Because, let’s be honest, that’s exactly what it was. 

We got the kids to bed.  I apologized to them for yelling, and for saying things that were unkind.  For losing my temper.  And they apologized for not listening, for pushing buttons, for acting out. 

We all promised to try harder to have patience and be kind to one another.

Stress does things to people.  I think it causes certain character traits to become stronger, and others to fade.  It’s fight or flight, all the time.  Our bodies aren’t meant to live this way.

We are making changes.  Setting new limits, creating new boundaries – and not just for the kids. 

We are Here, but we are getting There. 

Slowly, but surely.  Together.