Protecting them is my job, and I am damn good at it.
But I failed them, my friends.
I failed in a very big way, and while I forgive myself for my ignorance, I will also carry the burden of that failure around for the rest of my life.
Blythe has a slight obsession with The Adventures of Shark Boy and Lava Girl, these days. She thinks about them, and talks about them, and tells her friends about them. Recently I asked her why she likes them so much, and she spouted off a whole list of things. Then she said, “I like Lava Girl because she’s on fire inside. Just like me.”
She has been on fire inside since she was two months old. That’s when the screaming fits began, followed shortly thereafter by “pseudo seizures” where her body acted as though it was seizing, but her brain function remained normal.
She was inconsolable, for hours at a time. Her tiny little body would stiffen, all over, and she would flinch away from my touch. I was so afraid to hold her when she was like that, because I thought I would drop her. So I would put her in her crib and watch her fight against herself. Every muscle in her body would tense up, “seizing”, and then she would fling herself this way and that. And scream. She would scream for hours, even after her body calmed itself.
She was on fire inside, and I couldn’t figure out why.
I can’t even count the number of pediatricians we saw, those first few months, but not a single one of them had answers.
None of them asked if she had ever been exposed to Methamphetamines, even though I now know she was displaying signs of exposure. As she’s gotten older, she’s shown more and more signs, and yet none of the experts assigned to her care – myself included – ever asked the question.
The thought never even crossed our collective minds that meth exposure might have been contributing to the ever-growing list of problems with her Central Nervous System. Even if anyone had asked, I would have told them, with complete confidence, that she had never in her life been exposed to meth.
I know differently, now… and that knowledge changes everything.
As always, my disclaimer:
Please understand that I don’t hate him, I don’t wish him any harm, and I’m not trying to make him look like a monster. He is getting help for his addiction and his behavior, and I hope he’s able to conquer those demons.
But this is my story. My life. This was my reality. I won’t be silent.
22 replies on “Exposure”
Sweetheart,
You did not fail. You are an amazing mom to those little girls. You can only do the best you can with what you know at the time. And you did. And you do.
They’re lucky to have you. You’re strong and amazing.
dre, she doesn’t blame you. no one blames you for what he did. blythe is a fantastic little person (so is alison) and they are special and gorgeous and smart. and they love you.
you have been protecting them all along, my friend. that never ends.
you’re a mom, the best mom you can be to them. nothing changes that.
Sending lots of love and light to you, Dre. And to your beautiful girls.
Oh Dre, you did what you could with the knowledge you had at the time. You did not fail them. You are strong, and they love you for that. Blythe is an amazing and beautiful little girl, she does not and will not blame you.
Much love and many hugs.
Hugs mama. You are one of the strongest people I know, and a fierce mama. If you had known, or suspected…you would have won back then. You can’t beat yourself up for not having all tha facts.
xoxo
This breaks my heart. But like I told you before, you can only do the best you can with the information you have and that’s exactly what you did. Never in a million years would any of us ever come up with ‘meth exposure’ as the reason for her symptoms.
You are an amazing mom. Never forget that. And Blythe is strong and fierce, just like her mother, and that’s going to see her through this.
PS. I also think you’re incredibly brave for sharing this and telling your story. I know it can’t be easy. xoxo
@PrincessJenn, No, it’s not easy. But it’s a story that deserves to be told, with information that needs to be put out there. And, also…. it’s just too heavy for me to carry by myself. *smooch*
This was a very brave post, and despite what happens now and in the future, I’m sure you will continue to make the best decisions for the girls. You just need to stop doubting yourself 🙂 You are supermom.
hugs as always. your girls are beautiful – and are so lucky to have you as their momma.
You didn’t know. I can say it over a million times, but it probably won’t help. You are the best mom for your girls. What you know now and the courage you have, will make you even better going forward. You’ve let your self be who you are and you are strong. You will probably help many others with your story, help them uncover secrets or tell their own without feeling alone. xo
As I read the last few sentences, my mind was reeling and, literally, I was thinking, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO….!!” I simply can’t imagine having to deal with some of the things you have been through. Like the others said, you can only change what you know. Which now you have done. Your strength inspires me.
Oh wow. I agree with Jenn that you do the best with the information you have and no one can ever expect more. But I certainly hope that now you know she can get help and you can get answers.
I am with Nic, Jen and Jenn, you are an amazing mother, your love and protect those girls like no other, and you didn’t know at all. You are there, taking care of her, and that’s al thats what she knows. Thatmommy loves her, cares about her and is trying to make her better. That’s what matters.
Also, as Jenn said, you are so full of strength to write about all that has gone on. I’ve lost a lot since Im no longer on twitter but Im thinking of you and praying for you.
You didn’t fail anyone. Like you said, even if someone had asked, you would have said no, because you didn’t know any better. She’s getting better and if she’s even a tiny bit as strong as you are, she’ll be fine. You’ve done well by her by making the difficult steps that you’ve made.
Oh sweetie. I’m assuming the exposure did not occur through you, and how on earth could you have known? You didn’t fail. You kick ass at being their mom. <3
It’s not your fault, Dre. You’re doing what you can NOW. Now that you know you can do more.
I’m really admiring your strength, Lady. You rock!
It’s very brave of you to tell this! Also, I don’t think you failed. How were you supposed to know something like this?! You love your children, you’d never hurt them, I’m sure of that. And in my opinion, a mother who loves her children can barely fail.
I know I’m just echoing what has already been said, but it is NOT your fault. You are an amazing woman and a fantabulous MOM!! Love you!!
Oh man Dre. I’m so sorry. You know, I hope you haven’t gotten any judgmental comments…I haven’t read any of them but this is not your fault and you are doing all you can. I hope things get better. I’m glad he’s getting help and I can’t wait to hear that he’s recovered.
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I love that you’re sharing and I love how your disclaimer asserts your right, even imperative, to do so. Thank you.