Thank you all so much for your support and encouragement on my last post, where I talked about learning of Blythe’s exposure to methamphetamines.
I realize that it’s not my fault for not knowing she was being exposed, but I can’t help but feel a lot of guilt, anyway. I do feel as though I failed to protect her, but I also know that I did everything I could to keep her safe.
For the majority of Blythe’s life, the world at large has been a danger to her. Every time we ventured out, we were taking a risk. Everything she touched, away from home, had the potential to send her into anaphylaxis. If she so much as leaned her cheek against the counter at the pharmacy, her face would swell within minutes. That’s just a glimpse into what life was like for her.
I always did my best to keep my fear at bay, but I think I was able to do that, in large part, because our home was safe. If the world was a battlefield, home was our neutral ground, where we could let down our guard and live like normal people.
I could spend hours telling you all the things I’ve done, over the years, to make sure our home was a place where Blythe could just be a kid, without worries. All the research I’ve done, the ways we’ve altered our lives to provide the best possible environment for her to grow up in.
So, to learn that she was being exposed to methampetamines, right here at home, the one place on this Earth that I thought was safe for her… I can’t explain how it felt, other than to say it knocked me down in a way nothing in my life ever has before.
I worked so fucking hard, every day, to give her a place where she could be an innocent kid. I did fail to provide that for her. Through no fault of my own, obviously, but it’s a failure, all the same.
I was really, really angry. My home didn’t feel like home anymore, it felt like a toxic waste dump. And I place a lot of blame squarely on the shoulders of the person who was responsible for her exposure, where it belongs.
But I also know how much he loves our daughters, and if he had known it was his addiction that was making her sick, I like to believe he would have done something about it. It’s hard to know, for sure, given the nature of addiction, but I have to try and believe that, for my sanity.
I’m trying to keep my focus on the now. Since she has stopped being exposed to meth, her health has improved remarkably and dramatically. It’s fantastic and amazing, and gives me so much hope for her future.
For that, I am so incredibly happy.
11 replies on “The Blame Game”
wow, honey…just wow.
You are stronger than you realize. You are an amazing momma and I pray that she continues to improve.
Many hugs my friend (((hugs)))
The descriptions of Blythe as a baby sounds exactly like my baby right now. We are in the process of adopting her.
I’m glad that you’ve figured things out and she’s getting better. The now and the future – that’s all that matters.
I am so sorry that that happened, I am sorry that you even feel alittle bit at fault bc it’s not, but I am so glad to hear that she is getting better. That’ fantastic news! Hope you are doing good too.
I can only imagine what a burden that is to carry, hon. I know that no matter how much any of us tell you that it isn’t your fault, you’ll still feel responsible. I’ll still say it, though, it isn’t your fault.
And the important thing is that she is doing so much now, and that is a wonderful thing for all of you. <3 <3 Love you!
As parents we can’t help but for guilty for the things that affect our children, even if they are unknown or out of our control. I’m so glad to hear she is getting better. You are a wonderful mom and with your continued support and steadfastness on her behalf she will only get better and better.
Good news that B is getting better. That’s what’s important, right?
Wowzers! I’m just catching up on all this….
Holy crapola.
A few things: you are so strong. You are so brave. and you are SUCH a great mom.
Props to you for making a change. No WONDER he was such a paranoid freak-o. Meth addiction is no fucking joke. I’m suprised he was able to keep it such a secret!
Poor baby girl…good thing she has such a strong and loving mother by her side. You didn’t fail her…you left, you made the change, you dealt the hand that HE gave you when he hit that rock. You didn’t fail her….her father failed you both. You’re a better person than I…I absolutely hate my ex the meth addicted he whore. He reached a point in his addiction where there was NO coming back. For years I felt like I failed my little girl…fuck, some days I still do…those days just dont last as long anymore…I look at where we were, where we would be if I had stayed and I am SO grateful and proud that I finally left….right now, Im gawddamn proud of you too my dear. Keep that head held high and KNOW you have not failed your daughter at all……she will one day 🙂
I have so much hope for all of you. Hope that the three of you continue to move forward with your needs and that Blythe’s health continues to improve, all of it. I also hope that the treatment he’s getting sticks. That he only goes up from here and your girls have both parents love capable of giving them what they need in deserve. Right now you are doing the work of both and you are amazing for that. It’s instinct, but it’s still hard.
I’m so sorry that all of that has happened to your baby, so SO glad she’s better.