Dear Mail Lady Postal Carrier,
I’ll get right to the point and say, I know I’ve been a difficult customer and I don’t mean to be. I can understand why you might have sensed some hositility from me, what with me getting upset with you for honking your horn like you were stuck in a New York Traffic Jam every time you came here to deliver a package. It’s just that I have a baby who takes a nap every afternoon, and you have a knack for showing up just a few minutes after she’s fallen asleep. I meant it when I said I didn’t mind coming to you to get the package if you would kindly honk only once. But you must have misunderstood. I didn’t mean I’d come to the post office. I shop online to avoid dragging my kids all over town and if I have to go to the post office every time I get a package, it kind of defeats the purpose. I would have talked to you directly about it, but you seemed to be avoiding my driveway. So, sorry if I got you in any trouble when I complained to your supervisor. Oh, and then, sorry if I got you in trouble, again, the following week. But when I told your supervisor it was OK with me for you to leave packages on the sidwalk so you didn’t have to walk the 10 feet to my door, I kind of expected you to place the package on the sidewalk. Do you have a second career as a paper delivery person? ‘Cause you totally nailed the sidwalk at, what, 15 miles per hour? Or was it more like 20? I tried to flag you down, but you must not have seen me in the rear view. Don’t worry though, those crystal vases were double insured, so no harm done.
Anyway, I just wanted to apologize for any misunderstanding there may have been, and ask you to help me locate a package I’ve been expecting. I ordered some Girl Scout Cookies from my friend Tana’s daughter back in January, see. I got a box for the kids, a box for my husband, and a box or 6 for myself. I even lost a few pounds in anticipation of eating those boxes guilt-free when they arrived. Tana emailed, oh, about 3 weeks ago and said she’d be mailing them out. Every day, I trot down the the mailbox. As yet, there is no package. I’d ask Tana to clarify the mailing date, but she went to Las Vegas for the week because she’s a fabulous photographer, and I just know she wouldn’t up and leave without sending me my ‘scout cookies. And I probably could have waited for her return. It’s just that… it’s almost the end of March and ‘scout cookies, as you may know, only come around once a year.
I spotted some brown flecks that had a hint of chocolatey, minty goodness to them on my phone bill yesterday. I may or may not have licked it (for clarification purposes) to be sure. And, mail lady, postal carrier, there is only one person who could have been dropping thin mint crumbs on my mail. If you surrender the rest of the boxes on the door step, maybe we can be friends.
Sincerely Yours,
Andrea
(the fabulous tante rae)