Category: Life in general

Categories
Life in general

Sunshine

The wind howls through the trees and the world outside can only be seen in black and white and a thousand shades of gray.

Light from the fire is warm and soft, flooding my mind with memories of the summer sun.  I can close my eyes and feel it on my skin, like a lover, long lost, returning for one last kiss.

And isn’t it exquisite to crave the taste of summer on my tongue while surrounded by the fury of snow and ice.  Far better than living in perpetual sunshine.

Just the thought of the sun’s rays on the curve of my hip, the hollow of my throat, the pulse of my wrist, is enough to see me through the darkest days of winter.

Everything on Earth could remain draped in snow for a hundred years, the summer a thing of the past.  And yet, if I closed my eyes and called for it, gently,  it would always return… if only for me.

Categories
Life in general Marriage Surviving

Angst

I’ve been feeling a little angsty lately, which I realize is understandable given the current circumstances of my life.

But I don’t want to spend any amount of time feeling anxious and morose.  What’s the use in that?

So I went out for dinner and drinks with my girl Kelly, who helped me kick that shit to the curb, where it belongs.

Here’s the thing. 

I spent nearly 3 years of my life being told what I was and wasn’t allowed to do – and I hated it.

Now I’ve got all this freedom, right?  I’m alone a lot of the time, but I’m never lonely.  I get to make my own choices and be my own damn self, which makes me incredibly happy. 

So where’s the angst coming from? 

Along with all the amazing and helpful support I get, a whole lot of advice gets thrown my way from people who presume to know what’s best for me, for us. 

Their intentions are good, their hearts are in the right place…  Or so I assume.

At first, I would just smile and nod and thank them for their concern.  Tell them, as I tell pretty much anyone who asks, that I’m taking things day by day and that in general, things are good. 

It is what it is, things are what they are, from one moment to the next. 

It’s interesting, though, how pushy people can get when you don’t take their advice.  How downright catty people can get when they think you’re doing it all wrong.

I’m getting a little tired of it, to be honest.  I’ve had enough of being pushed, of being told what to do.

I admit that I’ve never been through anything like this, that there are times when I haven’t a clue what step to take next, when I worry that I haven’t handled things thus far the way I should have.

—–  Just FYI: I don’t want anyone to think I don’t appreciate the support they’ve given me.  If you’re here reading, this probably doesn’t apply to you at all.  Unless you’re an asshole, in which case, take note: you stink, and nobody likes you.  Sorry.  —–

So all this doubt built up:  Am I doing the right thing?  Should I be doing things differently?  Are my kids going  to end up all fucked up in the head?  Am I, in fact, a bitch for standing my ground?

But no… really, no. 

I have to do this my way, even if it’s unconventional.  With guidance, with support, with advice that I can pick and choose from when the time comes to act, however long that may take.

But, ultimately, my way.   

—–

Also has to be said: Fuck ’em if they think I’m doing it wrong… at least I’m doing something.  Alternately I could lay in bed all day, unwashed, letting the kids eat spoiled food out of the garbage.  Maybe they’d understand that course of action a little more.  You think??

Categories
Life in general Ranch Life

Nomad

I find myself living in a small town.

Here I am, in this place called home.

I have never known permanence and it makes me foreign to these people.

I make them uncomfortable with my strange ideas and illogical thoughts… with the way I challenge their social norms.

Sometimes I feel as though I’ve overstayed my welcome. 

Home has always been wherever the wind carries me.

And happiness?  Happiness is anywhere.  Everywhere.

All my life, there was a constant ebb and flow of new and old.

But here.  A small town cemented in tradition and closed minded thinking. 

I will never fit. 

And I don’t want to.

Categories
Life in general Surviving

What a Girl Wants

Over the past month, some truly amazing people have offered to help my family find our way through the drama and trauma we’re dealing with.

It’s been a tremendous relief to me, knowing that I’ve got experienced navigators guiding me as I walk through what I can only begin to describe as unfamiliar territory.

Last week, one of them gave me an assignment that I’ve been struggling to complete.

The task?  To spend some time creating three lists that will supposedly help me figure out how to move forward from here. 

Sounds pretty good, since I’d rather not wander around in circles.

The first was to be a list of my priorities.  They needed to be specific enough to be used as goals, but vague enough that they would still apply to my life in 10 years time.

So far, only three items have made this list… and you might be surprised at how long it took me to come up with them.

1.  To help my kids be as healthy as possible in every way – physically, emotionally, mentally.

2.  To actively educate myself and others on the effects of corn on the body.

3.  To have healthy relationships wherein the people involved treat each other with as much respect and kindness as possible.

The second, and by far the easiest for me to complete, was a list of the things I know I absolutely don’t want.

Let me just tell you that this list is long.  Very, very long.  And specific.  Apparently I really know what I don’t want.

The third and final list is still completely blank.  I’m supposed to name the things that I know I definitely want.

If I had been asked to create this list 6 weeks ago, I think I could have quickly filled pages and pages with wants, desires, hopes and dreams.

But now?  I’m at a complete loss. 

What do I want, now that I can reach for the moon if I’m so inclined?

I’m not sure I know where to begin.

Categories
Life in general

Blur

There’s a softness in the sky that can only be seen as the sun begins to rise behind the mountains, blurring their peaks.

In that moment, every day, anything seems possible.

It’s so quiet here, when dark is no longer dark, and light is not yet light.

From where I sit, it’s as if the sky itself is dancing a perfectly choreographed waltz from a by-gone era.

The dark gives way to the light in such a spectacular way, right before my eyes.  Kindly.  Gently.  There is nothing else like it in all the world.

Soon, the day will begin.  The mountains will once again loom in the distance, their deep shadows creeping across the ground as the sun makes its daily trek across the sky.

But when I close my eyes, I see them in that moment… when anything at all seems possible.