Categories
Entertainment

Armed and Dangerous

I know some of you are probably thinking my husband is a total pansy.  What with the Bossy thing, and the rose/love note/laundry thing, and the goat wheelchair.  People, those are just the things I wrote about.  He is sweet and thoughtful and incredibly loyal, but he’s also a manly man.  Can you say “complete package”?  I certainly can.  Like most manly men, he is an athlete.  I’ll tell you a little about his current sport, and that is arm wrestling.  Or maybe you’d like to call it wrist wrestling, and that would be just fine with me. 

So how does one become an arm wrestler?  I’ll give a little tutorial.  Firstly, make friends with a guy who had a cameo in the film Over the Top, because even though he’s got a mullet in the movie, he can teach you a thing or two about arm wrestling.  Plus, he’s got a picture of himself with Sylvester Stallone and that’s pretty cool.  Unfortunately, I don’t have a copy of said picture, so we’ll have to use our imaginations.


No mullet at present, so we’re good.

Before too long, you’ll be learning all kinds of techniques like top rolling, applying back pressure, pulling in a hook, knowing when to go to a referee’s grip, and maybe even a crazy leg wrap.  Although, that might be one of your own creations.



Babe?  I had no idea you could bend that way.


In an awesome show of support, maybe your brother will get you an arm wrestling table for Christmas.  Your wife will wonder where she’s supposed to put such a thing, because it doesn’t match her decor.  However, she will be grateful that you and your friends stop using her antique drop-leaf table for impromptu matches.  Peace will reign.

You’ll need lots of practice, and for that you need arms.  Lots of arms, attached to other people.  Set about finding lots of suckers friends willing to gather each Saturday morning before sunrise for training.



This guy looks especially thrilled to be there.

Another thing to consider is weight class.  You could do the easy thing and stay at your current weight, but according to the experts, it’s better to cut weight so you’ll be stronger and bigger than the competition.  Your wife will surely suffer through your weight loss, but if she’s a good one, she’ll make you lots of salads and hide the pizza boxes, ice cream containers and candy wrappers at the bottom of the garbage can.

You’ll get to compete in tournaments, so be sure to invite friends and family to cheer you on.  A bar can almost always be found at the back of the room, so there’s something for everybody, even your grandma.  The arm wrestling community is amazingly supportive and friendly so go ahead and get to know some of the people you meet.  Oh, and don’t forget to stay somewhere with a buffet so you can make up for lost time after weigh-ins.

Finally, always strive to beat your mentor at his sport.




He may beat you a thousand times, but one of these days, you’re going to get there!

Categories
Home and Garden

Storm’s a-brewin’

On Sunday, the girls and I spent some time on a blanket, in the grass, with my mom and sister.  It was a beautiful day, with amazing blue skies.  The only person who happened to take a picture of the sky was Alison, lucky for you, so you can see it in all its splendor.


                            

OK, so I spent a good portion of the day blowing my nose.  Because suddenly, being outside makes me sneeze and get the red eyes like I’ve been off smokin’ something behind the garage.  But still, not a cloud in sight, gorgeous day, fun in the sun.  I mean the shade, on account of our fair, fair skin and aversion to skin cancer.  And wrinkles.  Can you tell I’m in my 30’s now?

As we packed up to go, we noticed an ominous sound off in the distance.  A neighbor kid and his boomin’ bass?  Not a chance.  To the West, the sky was still that clear blue.  But coming from the East, and fast, was darkness, wind, thunder and lightning. 




                           

Where I come from (if living in Nebraska for a few years as a kid counts as being from somewhere), when the sky looks like that, it is tornado weather.  So we beat it home, and came to a screeching halt at the front door.  Of course I paused to take a photo from the driveway, like any responsible adult.  While I unloaded the kids lickity-split, the wind got stronger, even rocking the car.  My inner voice was shouting, “Y’ouns get down the basement now, ya hear?” but, having no cellar nor a mid western accent (alas, I say “I’m tired” not “I’m tard” like my Granny), I kept quiet, shut off the electronics and closed the windows.

Jeremy, on the other hand, thought it would be prudent to run drive quickly over to our 5-acre parcel down the road where he had just recently finished stacking some hay, and try to cover it with a tarp before the rain came.  Being an excellent wife, I gave him a brief run-down on the proper technique for avoiding being hit by lightning before I let him leave.  (In case you were wondering – tuck position, touching as little of the ground as possible).  Fortunately he is the most patient man on earth and didn’t slap me or roll his eyes.  Not while I was standing there, anyway.

Before too long, the wind was howling, the rain was coming down in buckets, the lightning and thunder were on top of each other over head and then… the storm was gone.  It lasted all of 15 minutes, which is about how long it took Jeremy to get the hay covered.  By the time he made it back home, the sky was crystal clear in all directions, and Alison was playing hopscotch on the porch.

Categories
Kids

Her Biggest Fan

                    

Big Sister = Performing with gusto

Little Sister = Applauding with glee

Mommy = Laughing, and crying a little, too.  Isn’t this what we fantasized about when deciding whether or not to have a second child?

Categories
Entertainment

A Life of Sunshine

I wrote this when I was 16.  It’s a poem of rebirth – of finding the strength to break through the binds that hold.  It was originally written without punctuation, but it’s hard to find the rhythm of it if you don’t know where to pause.  I’ve tried to punctuate accordingly, but there is supposed to be a slight pause at the end of each line. 

Each day as I wake
from a lifeless sleep,
I wish for a change
or a life I can keep.
How will I know
when my thoughts
are for real.
My sunshine, my light
does it know how I feel?
When my mind opens up
to accept each new day,
do I push it closed,
do I find my way?
Hours of darkness
take all my light.
My heart takes a trip
it leaves for the night.
I’m left all alone
to deal with my dreams.
Do I bring them on?
Do I cause these screams?
Warmth on my face
wakes me from death.
The sun, it has risen.
I breathe my first breath.
Pride fills my heart,
I know it’s at home.
Returned without scars,
it survived on its own.
The feeling of triumph
awakens my soul.
A smile on my face,
this night took its toll.
Another day gone;
another survived.
Though pain may take over,
I’m never deprived.
I know I can make it
if I can stay strong.
Look to the sun,
I’ll never go wrong.
       

Categories
Home and Garden Products and Reviews

Method, revisited

I’ve had a long-time love affair with Target.  I even remember when Target opened their store in our town, in the late 80’s.  Back then I was just happy to not be shopping at K-Mart, but by the time High School rolled around, Target was my mecca.  My friend Rachel and I used to walk the two miles from her house to Target in the summer (with a pit stop at 7-11 for a slurpee), just to stroll through the aisles and plan our back-to-school shopping lists.  Or anyway, I think that’s what we were doing.

I have a special list just for “things to buy at Target”, along with a Grocery list, a Pet Store list, a Sam’s Club list, and a Natural Food Store list.  Do you see why I need lists?  A person can’t be expected to remember all of that.  Most of the things on my Target list end up being Method products.  That’s not to say I leave the store with only Method products, but at least I have good intentions.  The bad thing is, our Target is small and only carries a small percentage of the Awesome that is Method.  So yesterday I shopped www.methodhome.com and was so taken by what popped up on the screen that I actually gasped.  And by the way, when did things like new children’s soaps become gasp-worthy to me?  You have to admit, though, that is pretty stinkin’ cute.

Unfortunately there is corn in the baby soap so Blythe can’t use it, but Alison can.  And how great is it that I could find that out easily, with the click of a button?  If I could, I would kiss Method’s feet.