Categories
Guest Posts Parenting

Finding the Magic

It didn’t take long for my sunny optimism to find a cloud to hide behind.  It’s a good thing the fabulous Sophie, of Our Life, Inzaburbs offered to write a guest post for me today or I’d be whining again about being on a jury.  Nearly half way through!  See, I found a silver lining.

I begged Sophie to write a post about homeschooling, a subject I find fascinating in a rubber-necking-as-I-drive-past-an-accident sort of way.  As in, I’m glad it’s not me over there, but I still want to know all the gory details.  Read on, and have your assumptions about homeschooling challenged!

———————

I like Andrea. I always read her blog.

So, I was very pleased when she asked for guest posters. And I suddenly felt the call to submit something. Which I have never done before because let’s face it, most people guest post so that they can put something out there which they hope their loved ones will never see. You know, write about their heiney without involving great-grandma.


I can’t do that. As in the case of Andrea’s Anonymous Bitch Fest Guest Poster, my extended family knows how to google. They really do. For example, my sister-in-law found my blog back when I had three readers and those three readers were all my parents checking me out three times a day . She is either an amazing Googler or she was very very desperate to read what I had to say.


That means you won’t find anything about my heiney on these pages. But I wasn’t really sure what to write.  Andrea’s family runs a plumbing business and I was going to talk about how I once seriously thought about becoming a plumber.


It’s true! I did! I am good at fixing toilets. I have fixed every toilet in this house at least twice!


… I am good at fixing toilets temporarily.


So what? I would get a lot of repeat customers.


But then Andrea asked me to talk about homeschooling.


Groan. Way to kill the fun, Andrea! Here we go then.




Homeschooling.


(Disclaimer: I had a lot of trouble writing this. I was trying to keep it general but kept finding myself veering off into the personal. So, if you are curious about anything at all, ask away!)


Many people (actually all the Moms I know) tell me they could never home school. It seems like an enormous, monstrous thing to do to yourself as a parent. Right when you finally get the opportunity to outsource your childcare to the state, for free! (and feel virtuous doing it!) you decide instead to devote yourself to a life of servitude and lesson plans. And anyway, isn’t home schooling for hippies and the religious right?


I know this, because this is how I thought too. I came to home schooling very, very reluctantly.


It’s true, it is a lifestyle which can be frustrating. But do you know what is even harder? The daily stress of dealing with a child who is just not getting on with school. In the end, it came down to me or him. As a parent, which would you choose?


Yes, I have lost some freedom. I don’t get to go on extended shopping trips, have lunch with the girls, or work uninterrupted for hours. My time is no longer fully my own. On a bad day, I like to wail to my husband that I am a Mom 24/7 and it is ne-e-ever going to e-e-end!


But then, let’s look at the flipside. The whole family has gained freedom. Freedom from stress in the morning of dragging a reluctant child to the school bus, harrassed siblings in tow (you know how when you start yelling at one you somehow end up yelling at the others?). Freedom from forced homework sessions, and from distressing, frustrating meetings and phone calls with teachers. Freedom from early bedtimes and early rising and packing school bags and remembering library books and this weeks fundraising money and …


(Also, freedom to take swimming lessons in an empty pool and go to museums without having to push through hordes of day campers in their multicolored t-shirts, and park right next to the store instead of at the other end of the carpark. Ah. Those are the best freedoms ).


So, here we are, at home. The woman who, had we had a high school yearbook, might have been voted “Least Likely to Become a Teacher” and the child no teacher could apparently teach.


It’s lucky I am not a teacher then.


Our homeschooling style is what is often called “relaxed”. We do not work in a classroom environment, with lesson plans and schedules and tests. In fact, we don’t even use a curriculum, although I do consult books such as “What Your First Grader Should Know” to ensure we are covering all the bases. We work for an hour or two every morning, on spelling and math. Sometimes I teach a concept, using the whiteboard. Sometimes we work with manipulatives, like legos and coins and clocks. Sometimes we make charts. Often we use worksheets. They are not fancy worksheets, the books from the supermarket or drugstore do the trick.


And all the other stuff – the reading and history and geography and art and music and sport? We were doing all that anyway, thanks to books and educational TV and Google Earth and those big rolls of paper from IKEA. And maybe, so are you.


School isn’t necessarily a magical place where miracles happen.


Magic can also happen at home.

Categories
Blog Carnivals Life in general

Mumbly Monday Mumbers, or Something Like That

When exactly do we begin calling our blogging cohorts “friends”?  Is it when we visit each other’s blogs regularly, or is it when we banter through email, or is it when we just feel like we’d love to have a huge glass of wine (or cup of coffee, depending on your preference) with that person?

I don’t know.  Do you? 

Anyway, my friend Kia over at Good Enough Mama, who meets all of the above criteria, by the way, has started this new blog carnival she calls Monday Mumbers and I promised her I’d tag along, if for no other reason than to force her to visit my blog on a Monday, whether she likes it or not.

So here we go, my first attempt:

                                             

2   = glasses of wine I consumed this entire weekend

20 = glasses of wine I’d planned to consume this weekend

2 = times I actually did the 30 Day Shred this past week 

3 = weeks of jury duty left

2 = pounds I’ve GAINED since starting Jury Duty

15 = dollars they pay me for sitting on the jury

1 = Zoo trips I will miss due to Jury duty

4 = times I’ve had nightmares about jury duty

10 = maximum number of hours I’m usually away from Blythe in a week

34 = hours per week I’m away from her while at jury duty

11 = times I’ve cried over that loss

100 = times harder this is than I thought 

3567 = times per day I whine about jury duty (minimum)

0 = times I will ever,  EVER serve on a jury again.  No kidding, I will get a doctor’s note if I have to.

12 = oreo cookies I ate yesterday.  Damn husband and his sweets.

40 = minutes Blythe slept for her nap today

3 = rooms of my house I scrubbed clean on Saturday

7 = rooms left to clean

10 = rooms that will get thrashed before I have a chance to clean again

0 = chance of my mood improving any time soon

9/10 = scale of how sorry I am for being a bummer today

Categories
Entertainment Guest Posts

The Anonymous Bitch Fest

Welcome to the Anonymous Bitch Fest!  I’ve got a guest post that talks about the horrors involved with family finding your blog, thus putting an end to the anonymous bitch fest your blog was supposed to be on a daily basis.  That being said – I’d love to hear some bitching from the rest of you.  You can sign your name if you wish, but either way – rip your clothes off and run naked through the crowd!  Figuratively speaking, of course. 

Even if YOU don’t feel better afterward, the rest of us will.  So quit being selfish and comment!


——-

Naively, one of the reasons I started a blog was to bitch, anonymously. Sometimes it just helps to get it out, right? 

The end, for me, came quickly. I had written a piece about a family event that I was pretty proud of and copied it to send to a couple of family members. Unknown to me, I left the link in the title and a computer-savvy family member (“CSFM” if you will,) clicked on it and “found” me. 

Luckily everyone loved that piece, but I have come to hate that CSFM found me. This person and I don’t see eye to eye on just about anything. The election was horrible – many over-the-net arguments about this candidate or that issue. I am the recipient of emails linked to articles and videos that (primarily) I’ve seen and disagreed with. 

CSFM is someone that is generally quite smart, but has turned into the internet and writing snob. I routinely get comments from CSFM about how I should be writing, or how often, or “look for ideas here!” Honestly, if someone else gave me the same advice it might be welcomed but since it comes from this particular someone it comes off as pompous, elitist, and assholish (totally a word, right?).  CSFM thinks that theirs is the only opinion that matters. 

Several years ago CSFM was diagnosed with a medical condition that is annoying, but not life threatening. It affects what we (as a larger family) can eat and serve when CSFM is around. This is not a life-threatening allergy, this person is not a child. Yet, when we all get together it is ALL OF OUR problem. Unfortunately, there are some other members of the family that completely bow to CSFM’s whims and play into the mentality of ‘me, me, me, me’. We are ‘forced’ to comply because woe is he/she that doesn’t bow to these needs. The wrath is truly horrible. 

A few times over the last few years we have vacationed with this person, but last summer was the last time. My spouse and I have agreed to not vacation with CSFM/family anymore. The last time was wrought with food issues, mood swings, blatant disregard of our beliefs, and more. I refuse to put myself or my children in that situation any more.

Plus, when anyone tries to speak up about the elephant in the room we end up being the ones that are wrong, not CSFM. Figures.  I have recently decided to ignore anything coming from this person-whether an email, blog comment, or otherwise, because I just really can’t handle it.

I really don’t want to feel this way. Life’s too short in many ways to allow someone so close to drop out of your life.  But at what cost do you allow someone like CSFM to rule over all of your interactions? At what point do you say enough?   For now, I have to say enough.

But I’m obviously not over it or I wouldn’t be writing anonymously, now, would I?

Categories
Guest Posts Motherhood and Pregnancy

The Mother of all Mad Mother-in-law Monologues

Day three of jury duty and I haven’t fallen asleep in court yet.  That counts for something, doesn’t it?  For your reading pleasure, I have a dusty old post written by Mo “Mad Dog” Stoneskin, back when his both his baby and his blog were new, and he was ‘young and foolish’.  I don’t know about you, but anything with that kind of preface just begs to be read!  I’m new to Mo’s blog, but had a lot of fun practicing my British accent while reading through it today.  Go ahead, try it!  But be warned, you’ll be thinking with an accent all the live-long day, mate.

‘The Mother of all Mad Mother-in-law Monologues’

The lady in the bed next door was being visited by her mother-in-law. As our baby slept, and my wife attempted to sleep, this woman talked and talked. She nearly drove me mad. Sanity was preserved by cheekily taking some notes, and dreaming of the pint of Guinness that I would drink later.

(I’m not really a Guinness drinker, but I’ve been craving the stuff. With wife and baby recuperating in hospital I’ve been fending for myself. Being a health-conscious type, I’ve been gorging on burgers and muffins. The lack of greens has taken its toll, with the deficiencies driving a craving for stout.)

The last two evenings she has been there, roughly from six till nine. On both occasions the three hours consisted of a single monologue. And when I say monologue, I don’t simply mean “extended, uninterrupted speech”, as Wikipedia puts it. I mean extended, uninterrupted speech, contained within a single sentence. I say that because she didn’t pause or, as far as I could tell, take a single breath.

I doubt any of the great orators would have come close to speaking that long without pause. Cicero? Nope. Churchill? Nope. I would be surprised if these relentless floods of unfinished sentences are ever matched.

What follows is a snippet of one of these monologues. It is more or less unadulterated, but then again, she spoke so fast it was hard to keep up.

“…so Helen is visiting from Cincinnati in November, but then again she’s got this thing about flying, which is ridiculous, so I don’t know what she’s going to do…of course, Erik spent his life looking as though butter wouldn’t melt…Alexander’s mother was much tinier, and mind you, castor oil didn’t work…blah blah blah…if you think about it, the baby pops out and suddenly there is all this brightness and it is, like, “where am I?”, and I didn’t bring it did I?, the photo of Andrew, he went for a ride in a helicopter…and babies go to sleep in one place, and wake up in another, how do they cope?… you see, when Andrew would fall he never put his hands out, of course he broke his wrist at school, and the other kids all loved him, always joking and fooling around and, of course, the after-school clubs wouldn’t take him…but shall I unwrap the present?…British Homestores, so you can always exchange if you don’t like them, they do such great little boys’ clothes don’t they?, when his father was a baby you couldn’t get nice boys’ shoes…and I had such problems, dry skin…and I’ve put my new CD holder up, that new Andrew Lloyd Webber collection is marvellous you know…Ralph’s mother is all skin and bone, I’m sure she is anorexic…I don’t understand what is going on in Winchester, what with the shop in the High Street but the warehouse down in Devon, it’s ludicrous…Tamzin breast-fed of course…and he kept peeling back the dressing, right to the bone, I tried to cut back his nails when we came to England, and during all this Mike was creosoting the fence…”

The poor daughter-in-law didn’t get a word in edgeways. Just before the mother-in-law left I heard her speaking to the baby. “We’ll come and see you again tomorrow, and then we’ll visit you at your house on Friday.” My heart went out to the young mother and her baby.

I hope their sanity survives.

Don’t forget to come back tomorrow for the anonymous bitch fest.  It won’t be the same without your bitchin’!

Categories
Entertainment Guest Posts

What Did I Do Today? I Choose Not to Remember

While I’m sitting in my squeaky jury chair, you all get to read a recycled post from Jessica Bern of Bern This.  She claims it’s from a time when she didn’t have any readers, but somehow I have a hard time believing such a time existed.  When Jessica’s not busy spreading joy at her local ER, she’s filming hilarious webisodes of Bern This.  If you haven’t already, head on over to check her out – but not before leaving a comment!  Maybe reading them will stop me from stealing all the donuts during court recess.  Maybe.

WHAT DID I DO TODAY?  I CHOOSE NOT TO REMEMBER

Today, I was a contestant on a game show called “21” which I can only hope and pray will never, EVER air. It involved “knowledge” of Blackjack as in “I “know” I’m going to draw a crappy card” and pop culture.


There were three contestants per show. The other two in my group consisted of a former Iranian who regaled us all with a story of his growing up with a pet COW who he found out seemed to produce the most milk when listening to the sounds of a flute which is how this guy ended up becoming, yes, that’s right, a professional flute player, amongst other things.


Now, before I tell you about the other guy, I need to draw you a picture. He had the face of a marshmallow, mushy and of similar color only WHITER and he was built like a bird to the point where I kept waiting for him to burp and cough up a worm. To match his extraordinary good looks, he was one of the most arrogant people I have ever met and on top of it all that has been on Jeopardy (and WON) Millionaire (and WON) and several other shows that I can’t remember because after I heard about the first two I couldn’t stop thinking, “THIS GUY IS GOING TO KICK MY ASS!”


By the time we hit the stage my only goal in life was to make sure that “birdman” lost. How I was going to go about doing that, I had no idea, but I was determined. That was until the host asked us…


HOST: Who are Jaimie Oliver, Gordon Ramsay….


and before he could finish “birdman”‘s already yelling out the correct answer,


BIRDMAN: “CHEFS!”


while in my mind the closest I could get was to think, “God those names sound familiar.”


The only good news was that although “birdman” possessed an uncanny ability to remember completely useless information, he had no control over the cards he was dealt both in life and on this show.


Now, I cannot tell you who won or lost but I can tell you that the host was Alfonso Ribiero. Yes, that would be the Alfonso Ribiero who used to star with Will Smith on the “Prince of Bel-Air” but is now the host of a cable based game show while Will is, at this very moment, one of the most famous and highest paid actors on the face of the earth.


Needless to say, every time I got down on myself and started to feel hopeless, I just had to take one look at Alfonso, standing there, yelling


ALFONSO: “So, who wants to win $25,000?!!!”


to know that if a person’s CAREER could crash and burn like that then so could “birdman”‘s winning streak.


Next question please.

Come back on Friday for an anonymous bitch fest, and bring your dirty laundry!