Allergies – Page 4 – Life on a Tightrope

It’s another gorgeous day here in paradise so we spent Blythe’s nap time hangin’ out on the sidewalk this morning. In attendance: Alison (decked out in a lacy pink dress over the top of her pajamas – it’s Sunday, who am I to judge?), me, a bucket of sidewalk chalk, Cage (overweight dog), Simon (curmudgeonly old cat) and Tiger (Simon’s effeminate male offspring). Now that you’ve met the cast, picture each of the above (minus the chalk) fighting for a turn in my lap. The lap will never be large enough, people.

Cage spent his turn sprawled out, upside down, drooling on my pants and feet while I scratched and rubbed and petted him. I gave him a good long turn in the lap and then… the itching started. And then the sneezing. And the watery eyes followed by some hives and DANG, what on earth did he roll in that I am allergic to? Could he have rolled in a large pile of pepperoni? Unlikely, although that is probably the equivalent of a dog’s wet dream. Might he have coated his fur with the juice from a watermelon (not to be confused with watermelon juice) or pumpkin innards? Probably not.

Unfortunately, the list of odd things to which I am allergic seems to grow with each passing year. For example, did you know that one could be allergic to the urea that is so kindly called an “inactive ingredient” in most lotions that have SPF? That’s right, save your skin from the sun by coating it with urine. Someone else’s urine, at that. But don’t worry, it’s inactive. Wait just a minute here… urine. You know, Cage probably DID roll himself in some pee, and I just rubbed it all over my hands, arms, and lap. At least I didn’t give him any kisses today, ’cause that would just be disgusting.

I see a bath in his immediate future, do you?

Today Blythe and I visited the ~~poop doctor~~ pediatric allergist and were given some very interesting information. First of all, there is a very simple blood test (and by simple I mean, easy for them, gut wrenching for me) that will determine once and for all whether Blythe’s immunizations caused her poop allergy. So tomorrow morning I will take her back to the ~~house of torture~~ hospital where they will again attempt to stick needles into her veins. The blood will be tested for an allergy to LATEX, EGGS, and GELATIN. Because apparently there is quite a bit of all that stuff in the vaccinations*. Blythe and I both have to go on a no-egg diet for a MONTH, until her next appointment. Good thing all the Easter eggs are GONE. And too bad I ate most of them, because that means Blythe ate them. Stinkin’ Easter Bunny.

If she shows no improvement and the blood tests are inconclusive, we’ll have to do the scratch test. Which involves, apparently, sticking my baby girl 21 times in the back with little needles. So, my current mental conversation with God goes something like, “Please let her be allergic to eggs. No, rather, gelatin. Oh wait, is there gelatin in a lot of stuff? OK, how about Latex? Kim’s allergic to Latex and she just can’t use condoms or play with balloons, so let’s go with LATEX. OK, God?” Hopefully he’s getting my memos.

*So raise your hand if you think it’s more than slightly irresponsible of the medical community to be injecting large quantities of a substance known to cause allergic reactions in babies at 2, 4, and 6 months of age? Eggs are such a known allergen that you’re supposed to start them off with the tiniest little bit of yolk, and work your way up gradually to whites, and then up to larger quantities of whole eggs. Yet they want to just jam a needle full of eggs into tiny babies? Repeatedly, at two month intervals? Maybe they should roll them around in a vat of peanut butter and honey, just to cover all the bases.