Category: Surviving

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Life in general Marriage Surviving

The Corner Table

She chooses a quiet table in the corner and there we sit, chatting easily about the minutiae of our daily lives.

The evening wears on and I can tell she has something to say by the way she pushes the food around on her plate.  Her eyes trained on her fork, she quietly speaks.

“I didn’t think you were ever coming back.”

She raises her head, and her eyes meet mine.

I can only whisper my reply, “Neither did I.”

“I thought for sure he’d kill you somewhere out there and I’d see it on the news and we’d never find your body.  I was so scared.”

For a moment, I’m struck speechless by the pain in her eyes.  I am not the only one he’s hurt.

**********

He planned a trip to the coast for my birthday.  October 2nd and 3rd.  We’d gone to the same place on our first vacation together, exactly 12 years before.

I was afraid to go, but completely terrified of what he would do if I refused.  His behavior  had escalated to the point that I was secretly planning to leave, but I wasn’t ready yet.  I needed just a little bit more time.

I insisted upon driving the entire time, because I didn’t want to let him behind the wheel of the car.  We went to dinner to celebrate my birthday and he suggested that I have a glass of wine.  I realized my mistake as he asked for the keys, afterward.  Of course he should drive… I had been drinking.

Five miles in the dark, on treacherous, winding roads.  As the headlights swept around the curves, I caught foggy glimpses of the waves crashing far below us to the left; to the right, a solid wall of rock that seemed to stretch up into infinite darkness.

He was agitated.  Fidgeting.  There was something important he needed to say.  He was talking too fast, jumbling his words.  One hand on the wheel, leaning toward me, looking over at me instead of at the road ahead.  Speeding through one curve, slowing for another.  

Only five  miles.  Only five short miles. 

I sat completely still in the passenger seat, hands folded neatly in my lap, eyes straight ahead.  I spoke to him quietly, calmly.  Stalled him.  No matter what he did, regardless of what he said, I was determined to show no fear.

**********

My hands are shaking, but I finally speak.

“I was scared, too.  He said he was ready to give me ‘The Answer to Everything,’ and I just knew that the moment he told me, he would drive us right off the cliff, straight into the ocean.  I thought I was going to die… that he was going to kill me.  But then… he didn’t.”

We sit in silence for a moment.  I smile.  She smiles.  I reach for my drink.

I’m eating enchiladas at a quiet, corner table with my friend.

I am alive.  I am loved.

And the truth has set me free.

————–

Disclaimer:

Originally I decided I wouldn’t write specifics about my current situation in this space, in an effort to avoid airing my family’s “dirty laundry” to the masses.  Please understand that I don’t hate him, I don’t wish him any harm, and I’m not trying to make him look like a monster.  He is getting help for his behavior, and I hope he’s able to conquer those demons.

But this is my story.  My life.  This was my reality.  I won’t be silent.

Categories
Marriage Surviving

12-28

Tomorrow is my wedding anniversary, and I’m terribly sad.

I miss the man I married. 

He was my best friend.  The kind of man who loved me not in spite of my quirks and faults, but because of them.

We were so deliriously happy, for so many years.

He slipped away, somehow.  In the passage of time, he lost himself.

For nearly 13 years, I loved him with an intensity that overwhelms me, even now. 

And still he demanded more…. more than I could give without snapping myself in two.

I thought we could make it through anything.

What a damn shame.

Categories
Life in general Surviving

Sweet Darkness

You must learn one thing:
the world was made to be free in….

Sometimes it takes darkness and the sweet
confinement of your aloneness
to learn

anything or anyone
that does not bring you alive

is too small for you.

You never know where you might find someone, or something, that fits just right.  If you’re not paying attention you might pass them by, never even realizing how close you came.

There are some people who just make a significant impact on your life, simply by being in it, and those people can bring you alive without even trying.

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about who those people are, for me, and about the fact that I’m in contact with so few of them.

It’s interesting, to think about the ways in which they were eliminated.  It makes me angry to remember the way he would get jealous when I gave someone else my attention, and how he tried his best to squash whatever happiness those relationships brought me.  He always wore me down to the point that the effort it took to keep those people in my life wasn’t worth the battle. 

What kind of person does that to someone they love?  It’s hard to get my head around that.

Over the past couple of weeks I’ve been trying to mend some of those broken friendships and so far, so good.  It’s amazing how, no matter how much time has passed, with some people you just feel completely at home.

I have been isolated for long enough.  I want to surround myself with those who help bring me alive, who appreciate me as I am, and I’m so lucky to know that there are people like that out there.

Even in darkness, there is always light. 
Categories
Life in general Surviving

On Rage

The interesting thing about simmering rage is that eventually, it will pop and splatter like bacon grease in a cast iron skillet. 

One should never cook bacon whilst naked, for that very reason.  You never know where that hot, explosive rage is going to land, and heaven forbid it scald your nethers.

As a child, I was consumed by rage and I don’t even know why.

I had a happy childhood.  Great parents.  Funny sister.  Cutest dog, ever.  Together we traveled the globe, in search of adventure.

So where did it come from, that rage?  I still don’t know.

It was just this thing, this animal that lived inside my veins and had to make itself known.  It had to scratch and claw and maim to satisfy its thirst for blood.

When I was a teenager I learned how to manage that shit.  Because, holy mother of god, I was a handful, even to myself.

Lately that random, bacon-grease splattering rage has been popping up unexpectedly, leaving me whispering to myself like a lunatic, “What the fuck, Dre?”.

I’ve got this anger, see?  And sometimes it feels like it’s eating me alive.  I’m pissed the fuck off.  But I can’t just let it explode, because I’m a responsible adult with impressionable children and also a conscience and a shitload of empathy.

So I’m back to lifting weights.  I didn’t realize how much of a release that was until I hadn’t been doing it for a few weeks. 

It feels good.  I feel good.  My abs feel good.  And also my ass, although you’ll have to take my word for it.  I’ll post some pictures, soon.

Fortunately, I find myself wanting to yell, “FUCK YOU!” at people a lot less often.  Also good.

Although. 

I really would like to scream “Fuck You!” at someone, at some point in my life.  And possibly punch them in the face afterward. 

I’ll put that on my bucket list.

Categories
Life in general Marriage Surviving

Angst

I’ve been feeling a little angsty lately, which I realize is understandable given the current circumstances of my life.

But I don’t want to spend any amount of time feeling anxious and morose.  What’s the use in that?

So I went out for dinner and drinks with my girl Kelly, who helped me kick that shit to the curb, where it belongs.

Here’s the thing. 

I spent nearly 3 years of my life being told what I was and wasn’t allowed to do – and I hated it.

Now I’ve got all this freedom, right?  I’m alone a lot of the time, but I’m never lonely.  I get to make my own choices and be my own damn self, which makes me incredibly happy. 

So where’s the angst coming from? 

Along with all the amazing and helpful support I get, a whole lot of advice gets thrown my way from people who presume to know what’s best for me, for us. 

Their intentions are good, their hearts are in the right place…  Or so I assume.

At first, I would just smile and nod and thank them for their concern.  Tell them, as I tell pretty much anyone who asks, that I’m taking things day by day and that in general, things are good. 

It is what it is, things are what they are, from one moment to the next. 

It’s interesting, though, how pushy people can get when you don’t take their advice.  How downright catty people can get when they think you’re doing it all wrong.

I’m getting a little tired of it, to be honest.  I’ve had enough of being pushed, of being told what to do.

I admit that I’ve never been through anything like this, that there are times when I haven’t a clue what step to take next, when I worry that I haven’t handled things thus far the way I should have.

—–  Just FYI: I don’t want anyone to think I don’t appreciate the support they’ve given me.  If you’re here reading, this probably doesn’t apply to you at all.  Unless you’re an asshole, in which case, take note: you stink, and nobody likes you.  Sorry.  —–

So all this doubt built up:  Am I doing the right thing?  Should I be doing things differently?  Are my kids going  to end up all fucked up in the head?  Am I, in fact, a bitch for standing my ground?

But no… really, no. 

I have to do this my way, even if it’s unconventional.  With guidance, with support, with advice that I can pick and choose from when the time comes to act, however long that may take.

But, ultimately, my way.   

—–

Also has to be said: Fuck ’em if they think I’m doing it wrong… at least I’m doing something.  Alternately I could lay in bed all day, unwashed, letting the kids eat spoiled food out of the garbage.  Maybe they’d understand that course of action a little more.  You think??